Monday, October 31, 2011

A Sunday Stroll, A Walk With God: Part 1

Yesterday, Sunday October 30,2011 I woke up weary...cozy but weary.  

I had experienced "quite" the week!!!

Diligently I had prepared for a chance to possibly woo the buyers of a store I love on Fifth Ave. to go into relationship with my business.  Myself and about 300 other designers of various accessory categories.

I was incredibly prepared, more so than any other time in my life as a designer.  I was balanced, I was ready!!!  And I showed up in very chilly weather, but I was prepared for that too!

I had my few minutes with the buyers and they DID like my product...however...they didn't have room for it.  The hat dept was full and so with that I graciously thanked them for their time, packed my gals and headed to a pub for a brew and a shepherds pie (of which I ate the whole serving!)

I then headed to one of my places of my friend Stephanie calls it fittingly  so: Beloved Central Park.  And it is!!!

It was very chilly, windy but dry...I was in a daze still because even though I feel satisfied by what I am doing I still feel lost.

This can't be it?  It just can't because it's not that great!  It's okay, and I have the basics but many days I don't even have those.

I blur-rily strolled along knowing I had to announce to the masses the results of the event.  Best friends awaited chats, current bosses and co-workers in the industry would want to know, all the supporters who diligently pray for my world deserved to know and it was time for a choice... Find the positive for the moment.

I did...I do.  It WAS positive...the results really are yet to be fully discovered.  And I AM prepared and ready!!!

I in a daze went and bought a down comforter and flannel sheets before taking the numerous trains back to my current home, made the bed, and fell into a deep sleep.

On Saturday I went to work (and I wish I didn't have to).  Emotionally I was raw and drained, highly sensitive and would have liked to stay hidden under that great big down blanket...but I geared up and took off to buy a pair of all-weather boots prior to work.

Good thing I left early as the trains were all a mess, the storm had come in, the rain was cold and thick.  However...God showed up!

While realizing I had a 20 min. wait in the rain for a train (grrrr) the announcement came up that due to whatever there was a shuttle to the next stop...across the way was a big bus heated with fluffy seats that I was able to enter and be driven just a little closer.  Totally God!!! 

I got my boots which are fluffy, warm, and weather proof and trekked out towards NYC.  When I came up from the train platform and started walking along 9th St. I noticed something...the rain looked different...the rain WAS different...IT WAS SNOWING!!!

O.M.Goodness!!!! It was snowing!!!! I was so excited to be walking in this snow storm with the flakes landing on my tongue, my smile was broad and I was then SO happy that I did indeed have to get up so my first snow experience would be strolling through NYC and not  just at the current casa in Jersey City.  God AGAIN showed up and showed me he was watching, caring for my needs.

Now... the part I am choosing to focus on is the places I see and feel God's presence so fully is my life.  Yes, God is always there but when one is going through struggles there are times when the presence is felt even stronger.  I am indeed feeling a struggle as I start this Brand New Life.  And God is indeed wrapping his wings around me gently caressing my soul to remind me that he has this covered.  He has me covered.  Praise God for this!

So it's the somewhat little things that really aren't so little at all.

Here's mine so far: 

.while thinking I was preparing for one event, I in fact found myself prepared for my entire business.  A true stepping stone. GOD!!!

.in a melancholy daze I purchase a down comforter and flannel sheets mostly because I think I am a little sad and want to be cozy as it's getting colder.  But I purchase them the day before the 1st (and early) snow storm!!! GOD!!!

. I don't want to get out of bed but by getting out of bed I get to experience snow falling on me as I stroll through NYC...SO worth it!!! GOD!!!

. I get a heated bus instead of standing outside in a cold rain (at that time) storm. GOD!!!

.I buy my all-weather boots in preparation of upcoming weather and a half hour later IT'S SNOWING!!!! GOD!!!

Okay...I got it!  Sort of.  I am human and my human nature clouds my clarity often.

I am now at work and doing my best to be present (which I always am while there.  I am a professional first and foremost).  But deep inside me I am still soft and sad.  I know my purpose is greater than building someone else's business.  I am happy to build it because that is what I am there to do.  I love that I can be a part of growth and I love what I am learning and I feel a sense of pride when I see what I am making and when the business is shining.  That's my ethic.  

But this can not be it for me.  I am restrained.  I am pressed at times to hold back my thoughts because it is the professional thing to do.  I show up wanting to give my best but then feel at the end I gave my best then was expected to give more and feel drained and not profitable.  I am worth much more than less than $100 a day.  And yet I understand business and what this business has to offer.  But I watch around me and's very challenging to every part of my spirit.

I leave...satisfied but mostly happy that I have 3 days to re-group.  I NEED IT!!! One dream fa-shizzled, lots of questions, time for rest.  

I get home, through a real snow storm (my first), it's much more snow stormy in Jersey and find out that we won't have hot water till Monday.  This has been an on going problem since the hurricane that came in the summer.  I fully understand the situation but living it SUCKS BIG TIME.  It's just trying for sure.  Stormy day ALL day and I can't even warm up before going to bed.

Que sera sera!

I am so fa-shizzled that sleep is not a problem as I crawl into my cozy bed.

And then when I wake up on Sunday morning...
It's a pre-Winter Wonderland!!!!

And a beautiful day.  

I realize we have no internet connection and the house is full and screw shower I simply suit up and put on a hat...I am heading to Central Park!!!

For two reasons: 
1. I am hoping that with this snow the leaves are not all fallen...I am not ready to have the leaves go quite yet...please please have survived. (This marks my 1st Autumn back east).

2. I need a very long walk and a very long talk with God.  I am confused, concerned, in question.

And so starts my walking prayer.

I find prayer walking to be such an amazing time.  I often find that when I am burdened and frustrated that by the time I get from point A to point B I have seen an attitude adjustment.

This time the adjustment takes me from point A all the way to point E (at least).

(for the sake of easy reading I'll begin A Sunday Stroll, A Walk With God: Part 2 on the next post...I hope you continue...this may just be a word for you was for me amazing) 


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